Meet the Normandy
by keita52
Summary: The 'Meet the Team' videos with Mass Effect characters. It's not really a crossover because no Team Fortress 2 characters appear, but the format owes everything to TF2. All canon liberties taken in the name of humor.
1. Meet the Krogan

This is pure crack and I have no excuse for it. Especially not when I should be working on other big crossover projects.

I own nothing. Bioware and Valve get all the credit for creating such memorable characters.

* * *

><p><em>Alliance News Network presents - MEET THE NORMANDY<em>

_Exclusive profiles of the heroes fighting alongside Commander Shepard to stop the Reaper invasion and save the galaxy! Featuring a new hero every week! Subscribe to BATTLESPACE and never miss a moment from the front lines!_

_[D.A. notes- Look, I'm all about boosting ratings, but I'm not so sure this was a good idea. Some of these people are absolute lunatics. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're on our side, but I'm not sure we want to be glamorizing their behavior. For example: this is all I could get out of the great krogan leader Urdnot Wrex.]_

_SETTING: A cargo hold on the Normandy. URDNOT WREX sits on top of a crate, holding his shotgun in one hand._

WREX: I'm Urdnot Wrex, and this [_holds up shotgun_] is my M-300 Claymore. The krogan are the only race that can fire it without _cheating_ and getting some lame modifications. Only fires one round at a time, but [_looks intently at camera_] that's all I need. [_Chuckles_]

ALLERS: I was hoping to ask about your efforts to unify the krogan clans -

WREX: [_lifts shotgun again_] Was someone messing with my shotgun? I bet it was that turian. He thinks he's _so_ funny. I'll have to think of something good to pay him back with.

ALLERS: Can you explain your decision to -

WREX: [_Leans forward and stares directly at camera_] People don't think much of the krogan. They think we're just big dumb brutes who can be pushed around. But I haven't met anyone who can push back against _this_. [_Lifts hand_. _A blue biotic corona flares outwards towards the camera, which falls over. ALLERS can be heard cursing in the background._]

WREX: [_laughs loudly_]

_END SCENE_


	2. Meet the Prothean

[_D.A. notes- Another one I couldn't get to stay on topic. I don't know what made you think he would want to discuss anything other than fighting._]

_COMBAT FOOTAGE:_ _A Collector raises its arm in triumph. Moments later a particle beam rips through and disintegrates it. _

_CUT TO Another cargo hold on the Normandy, this one covered in mist. JAVIK leans against a wall, looking away from the camera._

JAVIK: In my cycle we would always fight when victory was assured. And we knew a great deal more about fighting than _you_ did, because we perfected it by crushing all the lesser races until they begged for mercy. Which we did not give.

_COMBAT FOOTAGE:_ _JAVIK_ _throws out his hand and a green cloud races forward, engulfing a Cerberus trooper. The trooper screams in agony and then falls to the ground._

JAVIK: [_scornfully_] Primitives.

_CUT TO the cargo hold on the Normandy. JAVIK is still leaning against the wall._

JAVIK: Then we took the animals from planets we conquered as the spoils of war and pitted them against one another for sport. And made the natives watch. Their tears of agony were delicious.

_COMBAT FOOTAGE: JAVIK runs forward with rifle in hand. Offscreen, a voice calls 'Turret ahead!' JAVIK pulls out another grenade and throws it at the turret. A moment later, a Cerberus Engineer can be seen floating in the air._

_CUT TO_ _the cargo hold on the Normandy. JAVIK is crouched near the ground, staring into the beady eyes of Shepard's space hamster._

JAVIK: This is clearly a creature of great intelligence. We should not have missed this one.

ALLERS: … the hamster?

JAVIK: _Space_ hamster. Successful adaptation to low gravity conditions makes it a threat. [_JAVIK continues to stare at the hamster, then looks away._] But the Commander would be very displeased if I dealt with it as it deserves. Perhaps it also has mind-control powers. [_looks at the camera_] We are done here.

_END SCENE_

[_D.A. notes- I'm almost positive the bastard was trolling me._]


	3. Meet the Quarian

_SETTING: Nighttime on a rocky planet. TALI'ZORAH VAS NORMANDY is sitting on a rock with her omni-tool lifted. The theme from FLEET AND FLOTILLA is playing._

TALI: Look, I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems.

[_A Marauder yells in the distance._]

TALI: And I'm a quarian, so I'm practical. We tend not to waste time on philosophical debates when almost every moment of our time is spent simply trying to survive.

[_The Marauder yells again, closer this time. TALI looks over her shoulder and taps on her omni-tool. An orange combat drone materializes in front of her, then floats away behind her. The Marauder yells again, then there is a loud thump and the combat drone returns to TALI._]

COMBAT DRONE: Twenty one kills.

TALI: Good job, Chittika. [_looks back at camera_] So. I solve practical problems. Like - how do I stop the Reapers from tearing a hole in my suit?

[_A Husk comes shambling from behind. The combat drone lifts up and moves toward the Husk. The drone's electrical shock puts the Husk on the ground._]

TALI: The answer: deploy a combat drone.

COMBAT DRONE: Twenty two kills.

[_A Brute roars offscreen._]

TALI: And if that won't work…

[_Loud thumps announce the Brute's arrival. The combat drone floats forward and deploys a rocket. The Brute falls to the ground with one final roar._]

TALI: … upgrade the combat drone.

COMBAT DRONE: Twenty three kills.

TALI: You've already seen Chittika vas Paus in action. She used to be just a standard-issue combat drone. But like I said -

[_A group of Husks charges forward into the light. The combat drone shocks each of them in turn. One of them breaks past and runs for TALI, who brings out a shotgun and blasts it in the face. The Husk drops to the ground with a final moan._]

TALI: [_smugly_] Quarians are very good at focusing on survival.

END SCENE


	4. Meet the Mercenary

_SETTING: A dark room with crates piled high on either side of a table. ZAEED MASSANI sits at the table with rifles and grenades in front of him._

ZAEED: What makes me a good mercenary? [_laughs harshly_] Now, if I were a _bad_ mercenary, I wouldn't be sittin' here talkin' to ya, now would I?

_COMBAT FOOTAGE: ZAEED laughs as he tosses an inferno grenade into a group of Blue Suns mercenaries. The mercenaries flail around before falling to the ground._

_CUT TO the dark room filled with crates._

ZAEED: One stray bullet, one errant fuse, and - [_Makes a slashing motion across his throat_]

_COMBAT FOOTAGE: ZAEED fires a concussive round at an approaching Blue Suns mercenary. The bullet knocks him to the ground and ZAEED walks up to the mercenary and shoots him in the chest multiple times._

_CUT TO the dark room. ZAEED is now standing and staring directly at the camera._

ZAEED: I've godda transplanted eye. I'm an old, in-dee-pen-dent mercenary. There's more [_censored_] [_censored_] [_censored_] than th' likes a' me.

[_ZAEED shakes his head and abruptly thumps the table, causing bullets and guns to jump._]

ZAEED: So, t'all of you young idiots out there-

_COMBAT FOOTAGE: In a forested environment, ZAEED notices a group of Blue Suns off in the distance. He turns around, the Blue Suns following. Cries of 'get him!' can be heard from the mercenary group. _

ZAEED: [_voiceover_] - running aroun' with all yer parts where they started -

_COMBAT FOOTAGE: The Blue Suns turn a corner, following ZAEED's path. Camera pans to ZAEED running a fuse from a booby trap right in the Blue Suns' path._

ZAEED: [_voiceover_] - try it. I dare ya.

_COMBAT FOOTAGE: ZAEED lights the fuse. Camera traces its path back to the explosives, which the Blue Suns have just come up next to. A loud boom sounds, and bits of bloody human bodies go flying everywhere. A piece smacks the camera. _

_CUT TO ZAEED standing near the scene of the explosion, head thrown back as he laughs loudly. _

ZAEED: This is what happens when ya cross me. I'm a grim [_censored_] fable with an unhappy [_censored_] end. [_laughs_] See ya in hell, you bastards.


	5. Meet the Biotic

_SETTING: The area beneath the stairs in Engineering on the Normandy. Several crates sit on the ground. JACK is perched atop one of them, staring directly into the camera._

ALLERS: So, Jack…

JACK: _[makes a disgusted noise]_ I don't even know where to start with you.

ALLERS: All I asked was…

JACK: You don't have any idea who you're really talking to, do you? You ask these stupid, asinine questions. I'm only doing this because Shepard thought would be a good idea.

ALLERS: Well…

JACK: _[leans forward and stares intently into the camera's lens]_ I was engineered and trained to be a biotic force of nature. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and [_chuckles darkly_] I fucking _hurt_ people.

_CUT TO A row of buildings on a colony world, some of which have been damaged by fire. A Brute has just swept some Alliance soldiers away with its giant claw. JACK, glowing blue, comes up behind the Brute._

JACK: Hey, asshole!

_The Brute turns to face JACK, who lifts herself up off the ground using biotic energy until she is in front of the Brute's face. _

JACK: What's up?

_The Brute roars and swipes at JACK. An instant later, JACK is behind the Brute's head. She lifts her fist back, the blue glow intensifying, and then she punches it straight through the Brute's head. The Brute roars in pain as JACK pulls her fist back. A moment later the Brute falls to the ground with a loud thump._

_CUT TO the area below Engineering. JACK has her arms folded across her chest and is staring intently at the camera._

JACK: If you'd been through what I'd been through, you'd be fucking dead.

_CUT TO the row of buildings. Gunfire can be heard in the background. JACK sits atop the Brute's body. She has found a bag of chips somewhere and is eating them slowly._

JACK: Now this is what I'm talking about.


	6. Meet the Turian

_SETTING: Atop a building in an urban environment. Cerberus troops are engaging Alliance soldiers below. The Cerberus Centurion is raising his arm to give orders. A single shot rings out and the Cerberus leader's head explodes, and his body falls to the ground. The Cerberus troops look around, confused, and then are swarmed by forces lead by COMMANDER SHEPARD._

_The camera pans to the right to reveal GARRUS VAKARIAN standing up and collapsing his sniper rifle. GARRUS looks directly at the camera and smiles._

GARRUS: Boom. Headshot.

_CUT TO the Starboard Observation Lounge on the Normandy. GARRUS is seated on one of the couches, arms outstretched across the back._

GARRUS: Sniping's a good job. Challenging work, interesting places... Always something new to do.

_CUT TO GARRUS on Tuchanka, standing alongside SHEPARD and JAVIK, rapidly running away from the_ _Thresher Maw that has just risen_ _from the ground._

GARRUS: I think he saw us!

JAVIK: Your statement is obvious, but correct nonetheless.

SHEPARD: Less talking more running!

_CUT TO the top of the building. GARRUS is looking through his scope at a Cerberus Guardian's shield and the_ _small hole it provides._

GARRUS [_voiceover_]: Because as long as there's one bad guy left in range, there's a good guy to put a bullet in them.

_GARRUS takes a shot at the Guardian. The bullet passes through his head. As he drops he reveals the Trooper behind him, a second before the helmet flies off into the distance and the Trooper spins around wildly. The helmet bounces, spins, then knocks into one of the ATLAS mechs nearby, which veers before falling over and bringing down everyone next to it._

GARRUS: Ooh, that had to hurt.

_CUT TO the Normandy's main battery. GARRUS has lifted his omni-tool and is speaking to someone on the other end._

GARRUS: Dad ... Dad ... I'm - I'm _not_ a vigilante; I'm a spontaneous force for betterment through violence. [_Pause_] Okay, maybe I _was_ a vigilante. [_Pause_] The difference being that there's no feelings involved!

_CUT TO the Starboard Observation lounge._

ALLERS: So, what's your secret to success?

GARRUS: My secret? [_Lifts hand and starts counting_ _items off_] Be classy. Be dramatic. Have every gun you wield calibrated at least three times.

_CUT TO the Normandy's main battery. GARRUS is still speaking to someone on the other end._

GARRUS: Dad … Dad … put Sol on the line, would you?


	7. Meet the Hero

EDI's mobile unit sits in her usual co-pilot's chair. Jeff and most of the ship are asleep, so she is taking this time to review all ingoing and outgoing correspondence from the people aboard the Normandy. She does not view this as an invasion of their privacy, but another way in which she is aiding them.

She pulls up the last several emails to Diana Allers from her producer at Alliance News Network.

_Subject: New Material_

_You haven't sent me anything in a while, Allers. I realize that things are busy, but surely there must be something interesting you can pass along?_

_Subject: Still waiting…_

_C'mon, Allers, give me something to work with._

EDI begins reviewing the other videos that have been sent and aired. Surely she can come up with something that will assist Allers. EDI understands how important it is for Allers to portray the Normandy in a positive light and wishes to help.

When she has finished, there is another email from Allers' producer for her to read.

_Subject: Here's a thought_

_You haven't done anything featuring Commander Shepard. How about something that shows what the great hero is really like?_

EDI considers this, then pulls recent security camera footage featuring Shepard and attaches it to a reply email (that will appear to have come from Allers, naturally).

_BEGIN VIDEO TRANSCRIPT_

_SETTING: The Normandy's gallery. The footage is from an overhead angle, likely a security camera of some kind. The camera is stationary and is focused on a table where a handful of Alliance personnel are sitting and eating food._

URDNOT WREX [_offscreen_]: RAAARGH!

COMMANDER SHEPARD: Wrex! Step away from the refrigerator!

_The sound of a door opening and closing can be heard. The Alliance personnel have turned their attention to the commotion happening offscreen._

SHEPARD: Dammit, Wrex, that's my gyro!

WREX: [_mutters_] Hungry…

SHEPARD: I'm going to wring that skinny salarian's neck. WREX! Give me that sandw-

_WREX gives another roar and the sound of two large bodies hitting the ground can be heard. Some of the Alliance personnel stand and quickly flee the area._

_A loud _THUD _sounds and one of the crewmembers jumps out of the frame abruptly._

CREWMEMBER [_offscreen_]: Oh - oh my God. That's … that's so much blood…

_Another _THUD, _presumably the crewmember fainting from the sight._

SHEPARD [_offscreen_]: You call that a choke hold? You krogan couldn't perform a choke hold if…

_Another roar, and abruptly a chair comes flying from offscreen in the direction of the fight._

SHEPARD [_offscreen_]: Can't … _breathe_ ...

_Yet another _THUD _and SHEPARD's foot can be seen at the edge of the camera, lying on the ground._

WREX [_offscreen_]: Mmmmm… nom nom nom.

_The sound of footsteps approaching rapidly leads into URDNOT GRUNT running into view._

GRUNT: There was a fight and nobody told me about it?!

_END TRANSCRIPT_

The next day, Allers' producer pings her for a realtime chat. EDI wants to see how her work was received and decides to monitor the exchange.

_PRODUCER: Allers, what the hell did you send me? It's not inspiring. If anything, it's discouraging. _

_ALLERS: What are you talking about?_

_PRODUCER: You sent me a video of two of the galaxy's leaders bickering like children over a sandwich._

_ALLERS: I didn't … _

EDI notes that Allers has accessed her sent emails, which shows the message that EDI sent on her behalf.

_ALLERS: I didn't send that. Someone else must have done it._

_PRODUCER: Goddammit, Allers, protect your files better!_

_ALLERS: Well, you were asking for something on Shepard, weren't you?_

_PRODUCER: I still can't air this. Step up your game, Allers._

EDI considers the exchange and attempts to find different footage that will help.


	8. Meet the Thief

EDI is still looking for something to send to Diana Allers' editor when she comes across a file she has never seen before. She is instantly annoyed with herself for not having discovered it previously. She _is _the Normandy, and thus she should know everything stored within her.

She analyzes the file. It is security footage from a Cerberus base that has been compiled and edited. It was placed on the Normandy only recently, using a backdoor that someone had constructed - someone who had physical access to the Normandy at some point in the past.

EDI realizes that the backdoor must have been placed before she was unshackled. That gives her some relief, as it narrows the suspect pool considerably. None of the Cerberus personnel that had been with Shepard during that period were skilled enough to pull this off. The Illusive Man made sure of that.

There is one person who comes to mind immediately, and EDI decides that it is safe enough to view the file and find out if she is right.

_BEGIN VIDEO TRANSCRIPT_

_SETTING: A room with white walls, one door, no windows. One wall is filled with screens displaying different views of a larger facility. A Cerberus TROOPER is sitting in front of the screens. _

_A loud alarm sounds and a red light starts pulsing. A computerized voice announces 'INTRUDER ALERT' repeatedly._

TROOPER #1: Dammit!

_The TROOPER types in a command on the keyboard. One screen, which had previously been blank, now says 'SEARCHING AVAILABLE RECORDS'. The message remains for a few seconds until the screen flashes with a different message:_

_MATCH FOUND_

_NAME: KASUMI GOTO  
>SPECIES: HUMAN<br>__KNOWN AFFILIATE(S): COMMANDER SHEPARD  
><em>_NOTABLE SKILLS: HACKING, STEALTH_

TROOPER #1: Oh, shit.

_The TROOPER lifts his right arm to activate his omni-tool before speaking into it._

TROOPER #1: Intruder identified as Kasumi Goto, affiliate of _Commander fucking Shepard._ Protect the research. Repeat, _protect the research._

_The TROOPER exits the room and runs at a rapid pace down the corridors. He approaches a locked, key-coded door at approximately the same time as another TROOPER. The first TROOPER roughly shoves the second out of the way and enters the key code. The door opens and they both enter. A third TROOPER comes charging around the corner to join them. _

_The first TROOPER walks over to the computer located in the center of the small room and keys in his access code once more. Images flash across the screen rapidly until it settles on a steady green blink._

TROOPER #1: The research is still here.

TROOPER #3 [_excitedly_]: That means we beat her!

TROOPER #2: Are we sure that the research is what she wants?

TROOPER #1: Of course we are. It's the only thing worth stealing here. Everything else is a front to hide this research. Are you new here? I thought everyone knew that.

TROOPER #2: Just transferred in.

TROOPER #1: Hmph.

_Footsteps sound from behind them, and all three TROOPERS turn to look at the Cerberus NEMESIS who has just arrived. The NEMESIS is carrying a body over her shoulder. _

NEMESIS: Gentlemen. I see the research is still here?

TROOPER #1: It is, sir.

NEMESIS: I don't suppose any of you happened to encounter Ms. Goto on the way here.

_The TROOPERS exchange glances and each shake their heads._

NEMESIS [_sighs_]: Then we have a problem.

_The NEMESIS lays the body on the floor. The TROOPERS lean in for a closer look._

TROOPER #1: Shit, that's ... one of us.

TROOPER #2: So? She's just one person.

TROOPER #3: For fuck's sake, how new are you? She's not _just one person_. The same way that Commander Fucking Shepard isn't _just one person_.

TROOPER #2: I didn't know that Fucking was Shepard's first name.

TROOPER #1: Smartass. Keep that up and you won't have this job for much longer.

NEMESIS: _If_ we could get back on track...

TROOPER #1: Right. So Goto is here and is probably running around in _our_ armor.

_The three TROOPERS exchange nervous glances._

TROOPER #3: She could be here already!

TROOPER #1: Well it wasn't me, I'm the one who sounded the alarm.

TROOPER #2: That's exactly the sort of thing she'd say to try and direct suspicion elsewhere.

TROOPER #1: Right, but, you can see the records _prove_ what I just said -

_The TROOPER raises his arm in an attempt to activate his omni-tool. Nothing happens._

TROOPER #1: What the hell...?

NEMESIS: She blocked the records, of course, so that no one can prove anyone else's identity. Smart.

TROOPER #2: You sound like you admire her.

NEMESIS: Know thy enemy, or something like that.

TROOPER #1: [_angrily_] That's besides the goddamn point. Goto is screwing with our heads. She _wants_ us to be playing these stupid guessing games, questioning each other instead of looking for her!

TROOPER #3: Speaking from experience?

NEMESIS: Unfortunately, in this case we must play into our enemy's hands. It seems likely that one of the people in this room is Ms. Goto in disguise. It is certainly what I would have done.

TROOPER #3: There you go again, talking about Goto's motivations. How do we know it's not you?

NEMESIS: This body is clearly male. That means she can't be impersonating one of us, since we're all female.

TROOPER #1: Oh yeah? How do we know you're all female?

NEMESIS: [_gestures to her chest_] They're called _breasts._ Obviously it's been quite some time since you were near them.

TROOPER #3: But that would make it easier for her to impersonate you!

NEMESIS: Except that we have a dead _male_ body, which rules me out.

TROOPER #2: All right, but ... what if Goto killed a trooper too? To throw us off even more?

NEMESIS: I didn't find any other bodies, and I came along the most direct path to this room.

TROOPER #3: Oh, and we're supposed to take your word for that?

NEMESIS: Idiots. I'm the one who told you that Goto was running around in disguise!

TROOPER #1: So we wouldn't suspect you, no doubt.

NEMESIS: [_angrily_] You're all ignoring the proble-

_The NEMESIS cuts off as a hole appears in its forehead and it slumps to the ground. TROOPER #3 holsters its gun and walks forward to peel off the mask, revealing a disfigured face that is nonetheless distinct from the dead TROOPER - and female. A silent moment passes._

TROOPER #3: Guess she was right.

TROOPER #1: Great, we killed one of our own and still don't know where Goto is.

_In the background, KASUMI has shed the TROOPER armor and drawn her sword._

KASUMI [_cheerfully_]: Right behind you!

TROOPER #1: What the -

_KASUMI strikes him down with her sword before spinning smoothly and sliding the blade into the other TROOPER's stomach. The TROOPER gurgles once before falling to the ground. KASUMI walks over to the computer and activates her omni-tool, downloading the files. She pauses, seeming to consider something, and then enters a command on her omni-tool._

_The screen goes black._

_END VIDEO TRANSCRIPT_

EDI finds herself appreciating the work that Kasumi did, both in the infiltration and the editing of the footage. Surely this will be acceptable to Allers' producer. She sends the file off, this time also including a note to Allers so that she can view the file ahead of time. EDI does not give any indication that she is the one responsible. She feels a certain resonance with the role of mysterious benefactor.

While she waits, she also sends a message to Kasumi, commending her work and informing her that the backdoor is now closed. She is notified when Allers opens the file to view the footage.

It does not take long before the producer sends a request for a realtime chat.

_PRODUCER: How the hell did you get this footage?_

_ALLERS: You don't want to know._

_PRODUCER: Meaning you don't know._

_PRODUCER: I told you to protect your files better!_

_ALLERS: I'm on a ship with some of the smartest, sneakiest bastards in the galaxy. As soon as I fix one breach, another appears._

_PRODUCER: I should fire you._

_ALLERS: You wouldn't dare. I've seen the latest ratings._

_PRODUCER: You still owe me more footage. Something that you did, this time._

Clearly, EDI thinks, she will have to come up with a better plan.


End file.
